Blessings

Today has been a difficult day for me. Teaching is so different than what I thought it would be. I am in a constant battle with my students to prove and explain the importance of literature. I am always asking them to look at a different perspective and try to look at life through another eyes. When we are reading stories or talking about how painful and evil the world can be at times, the students are always making comments, "How could someone kill another person for no reason?" or "How could things like the Holocaust happen?" or "Why do people kill themselves?", and "I wish people weren't so mean to one another." We can have a 45 minute discussion about all of these things and then not even 10 minutes later a student makes a jab at another student, calling him a 'fag' or an 'idiot'. SO my students don't get it. They do not see how they are contributing to this society, that the things they do and say have consequences. The choices they make will affect their entire lives. That by putting down a student or by bullying a student they are adding to the painful and evil of the world. It's frustrating that they cannot, or do not want to see their shortcomings or flaws.

What I want to say to them, and I might one of these days, is that the reason I am doing this, teaching you stories like "The Lottery," "Antigone," "To Build a Fire," is so that you can learn about life. So you can see that life is full of pain, death, difficult situations, and sometimes you are going to be so mad that you want to hurt someone or feel so lonely that you never want to talk to anyone again, BUT you can deal with these problems other ways then violence, suicide, or bullying, you can choose to write, read, talk, teach, discuss the problems you are going through.

Last week a 15 year old boy was shot by another 15 year old boy at a middle school in Martinsville, IN because of something about a school dance, and a disagreement about a girl. (Or at least that is the rumor.) I wish the student who committed this crime pursued another avenue to deal with his feelings and the pain in his life.

That is why I teach. I hope that my students can relate to at least one story in my world literature class and see that pain, death, violence, evil, and all the tough stuff in life have been around forever. And instead of turning to violence or bullying that they turn to reading, writing, or discussing these difficult and painful topics with others. I pray everyday and hope that my students are learning there is more to this life than the present pain and struggles they are going through.

Another sad story I heard today was about a young woman, 24, recently married, who passed away from pneumonia. This young woman was a friend of my cousins. All I keep thinking about is how this woman could have been me. It is so hard to understand death, and the deep pain that it brings, but I'm praying for the husband of this young lady and her family. I don't understand God's plans, and sometimes I get so frustrated with all the pain and evil this world brings, but I have to remember that God is bigger than all of the pain and he has conquered evil and Jesus will come back again.

I recently heard the song "Blessings" by Laura Story on the radio, and it moved me to tears the first time I heard it. I have to believe that the pain and difficult trials we go through are blessings in disguise. And that God will use our pain and tears to bring us closer to his side. I remind myself to take comfort in God's promise that He will restore our brokenness and the brokenness of the world someday.

LAURA STORY - "BLESSINGS" LYRICS

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Questioning Myself

Sometimes I wish I could run away. Run away from responsibility, run away from my fears and my worries, just run away.

I wonder how many people really do run away from their lives? Facebook, Internet, Books, TV, even as I am blogging right now I am using this as an escape. A way to run away from my life, the life filled with things I don't want to think about right now, or deal with right now. But the problem is when we turn off the computer, turn off the tv, close the book, and in a matter of minutes when I am finished blogging I (and we) have to face the harsh realities of life. I have to stare at the mess. I don't want to.

I have been questioning myself lately. A lot lately. How can a make a difference in this world? How can I love someone, truly love them? I want to be an encouragement, to lift others up. But I am questioning my ability to do so. I am questioning my self worth. Does my love and my caring nature matter to the world? I have to believe it does. And not just my own love and caring and sensitive perspective but also the perspectives and opinions around me. In our truest, most innate sense we, human beings, want to feel connected. To have a meaning. To be loved and valued. I will continue to seek ways to relate and to feel connected to others. To find ways to encourage others when they feel alone, when they are going through a difficult time, I will continue to look to God, my faith in him, pictures, artwork, literature, human compassion and love to encourage the world around me. My knowledge of these things that compose our world will not be solely for my selfish desire, my vanity to know things, to flaunt my arrogance of my knowledge, but the knowledge will be used to connect humanity in our unknowingness. To feel connected in a sense of mutual bond that we can search and search for the answers and knowledge but to come to the realization that we are all here together, connected by something greater than ourselves and we have to reach out and love and care for one another to get through this.

9 Weeks To Go.....

Student Teaching. Man, there is nothing like working for three and a half years to become a teacher and then wondering...humm do I really want to do this with my life? That is the question I have been pondering for the last few weeks. I love to read and I love to express myself through writing and literature, but am I passionate enough about English to teach this 'subject' to students everyday??? I DON'T KNOW! Hopefully after these nine weeks I will have the answer to that question.

Learning

It is so weird that I am married. It is also weird that I am about to begin student teaching (an experience that I have been preparing for for the past three and a half years). I wish I was more excited about student teaching. So far my 'observations' of teaching is nothing like I thought it would be. (Not surprising, life always seems to be like this). I am ready to make a difference, to work hard at something everyday. I want to make God proud and glorify him with my every moment. Easier said than done. I am hoping and praying that with each new day I will learn how to better glorify God with my moments. Whether I am simply making dinner for Bruce, doing laundry (weird, all of a sudden I am a housewife) and with each day I am at school I give my all to connect with my students.

So I am learning. Learning how to be married..this so far has been fun:) And learning how to be a 'teacher'. What I am finding is that both learning how to be a loving and serving wife, and learning how to be an encouraging and engaging teacher will be a life long lesson. Humm, I bet I will not be bored often.

Chipmunk

Chipmunk is my camp name this summer.  I work at a day camp and each staff member has a fun camp name that the campers and everyone calls them.  I received my camp name "chipmunk" because I am chipper.  But after this weekend I have another reason why I fit my camp name so well.

On Friday morning my four wisdom teeth were removed.  It was not the best experience of my life, and it probably was not the worst, but oh man it really hurt.  I thought I wasn't going to remember the surgery but I did, and the pain seemed to increase as the day went on.  Also the size of my cheeks increased which made me look like a "chipmunk." So for the past three days my life has consisted of sleeping, eating ice cream, and more sleeping.  But throughout this entire experience I have had the pleasure of learning how much my family cares about me.  My mother, father, and sisters have been doing whatever asked and more to make me feel comfortable and make my life easier.  I know I am extremely blessed to have such a wonderful and supportive family.  So, although getting my wisdom teeth out was not fun or enjoyable by any means, I have truly treasured this time of being near my family and realizing all over again how blessed I am to have such a loving family.  Thank you Lord!

I will be getting out of the house tonight!  I'm going to see the fireworks with my family!  Happy 4th of July!  Another amazing thing to be thankful for...Freedom.  Thank you to all the men and women whom have risked their lives for our freedom!

Wild Flowers

I spent the past weekend alone.  It was very interesting.  I learned fairly quickly I do not like to be alone.  I mean, I like to have "alone time," where I spend about an hour to myself each day, but other than that I really do not enjoy being alone.  This was an interesting fact to learn about myself because I always thought I did like to be alone.

Despite my loneliness this weekend I have a wonderful experience.  On Saturday morning I went on a drive to gaze at God's masterpiece.  The Lord's creation is indescribable.  Rolling green hills, bright blue skies with big fluffy clouds, wild flowers blowing in the wind, all the while the hot sun is bringing light to every corner of the landscape.  During this drive I experienced an encounter with God.  Simply being surrounded in the Lord's creation magnifies the Lord's greatness and power.  I love thinking about the Lord.  It is so awesome and amazing to think about the Lord, he created this beautiful world, and he loves you and me.  It is crazy isn't it!  But he does.  I am so thankful that God allows me to have faith, and allows me to experience his love, peace, and comfort.  

My goal for this week is to try to experience an encounter with the Lord each day.  Have a blessed and wonderful week!

Oh, yeah.  I ended up getting a little lost on my drive.  I was almost 30 minutes out of my town.  But that was okay, it was fun experiencing the excitement of not knowing where I was.  It was pretty cool.  (I also had a full tank of gas, and my cell phone just in case!)   :)

Labyrinthitis

I woke up a few mornings ago and the room was spinning.  At first I thought I was dreaming but then I realized the pounding and the movement of the room was all to real to be a dream.

Later that day I was informed my room was spinning on account of an inner ear infection I contracted entitled Labyrinthitis.  My inner ear was inflamed, and because this part of the ear also recognizes head movements, the inflammation causes balance issues.  How fun!  So for the past three days I have been sitting in bed watching too much television while the room continuously spins with every movement of my head.  I realize that I am describing my pain and frustration with the world at the moment in hopes that someone will share with me in my small pathetic self pity.  In a few days I am going to be fine, and I understand this, but in the moment sometimes it is hard to look past the pain your are feeling.

Everyday, all around the world someone is feeling pain.  Physical, Emotional, or Spiritual Pain.   I wonder how the world, how people, how individuals deal with their pain?  Losing a loved one, being diagnosed with cancer, losing a job, and so many more instances can cause deep indistinguishable pain.  So, how do people survive?  Where is the hope?

I know where my hope lies .  My hope and healing come from my faith in the Lord and in Jesus Christ.  I do wonder though, for those whom do not believe, where is your hope, where is your comfort?  I am not questioning because I want to "prove you wrong" in your beliefs.  I am simply curious and I wonder.  To live life without Christ as my hope and strength seems impossible.  So to those whom do not believe, what do you live for?  What encourages you to continue living even after indistinguishable pain and why?